TOP PHRASES YOU NEVER SAY TO A NEW MOM
Updated: Nov 14, 2022
Introduction
Being a new mom is no joke. It's hard, it's crazy and there are so many things you don't know about being a parent! But that doesn't mean we all can't be supportive of each other. Still, there are some things you should never say to a new mom that can be especially hurtful and offensive. Luckily for all of us, these phrases will never make it past your lips again:
Never ask if it's a boy or a girl if you can see that it is a boy or girl.
Never ask if it's a boy or a girl if you can see that it is a boy or girl. Unless the parents are trying to keep the baby's gender under wraps, there is no need to ask this question at all. You should also refrain from asking any questions about whether the mother is breastfeeding her baby. If she does, she'll tell you; if not, she won't want to hear about how great breast milk is for babies because it's none of your business anyway!
Don't tell her that she looks tired, because it's probably true, and nothing helps you feel better than to hear it from a stranger.
Instead say stuff like "How are you feeling?" Or, "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!" No one wants to hear how exhausted they look when they could be out there getting some sleep.
I know the rules of not asking how much they cost, but NEVER ask how much they cost.
You can’t ask a new mother how much her baby cost. Let me break it down for you:
The cost of the baby is literally $0. It was free, because they were born in the hospital, and any costs incurred there are covered by insurance or Medicaid. Depending on where you live, there may be a small fee for delivery (especially if you want an epidural), but even then, that's a drop in the bucket compared to what some people spend on their cars or houses.
The cost of baby clothes is also $0 (and this is true until they outgrow their clothes). As long as they're clean and fit properly and don't have holes or stains (or any other type of damage), they are good enough to wear around town—even if no one else would ever see them besides your family members who already know about your newborn. And let's face it—if someone does ask about those same old rags at the next family gathering...well then I'd say that person isn't making any friends anyway so don't worry too much about what he thinks!
Same goes for food: whether you make it from scratch or buy pre-made meals from Costco (which we do), babies eat very little per day when first born so even if someone else asks about cost here too…well again I'd say she doesn’t deserve our time anyways!
Never ask if they were planned.
Don’t ask if they were planned. It’s rude, and no one wants to feel like their child was an accident. Of course, this goes without saying if you know your friend or family member is struggling financially and can’t afford a baby at the moment—then please do what you can to help them out!
Don't mention weight unless it's in relation to how great they look now or how much weight they've gained since giving birth (and even then, tread lightly). If you say something about how good she looks now that she's had the baby, be prepared for a response about how crazy-skinny she was before having her child! Also: don't mention anything about them not looking like their baby's mother because that makes absolutely no sense.
Never ask when they were due if they’re still pregnant.
“Are you due soon?”
The answer is no, they are not. They are not ready to have their baby yet. You should also never ask when they were due if they are still pregnant. Why is this a bad question? Your friend or family member has likely had people ask them this question multiple times in the last nine months of her pregnancy. And now that she has given birth, she will probably be asked this question more than once by more people throughout her life as well!
Don't offer to hold the baby right off the bat.
Don't hold the baby right off the bat. You may want to hold your new friend's newborn, but don't do it unless you're asked. It can be disconcerting for a new mom if someone just takes her baby out of her arms without asking first—she may not be ready for that kind of physical closeness yet. If she does ask you to hold the baby, be prepared with a good spot where you can sit down; even big people can get tired holding tiny ones!
Ask permission before making any suggestions or offering help—except in emergency situations, when ask once and act quickly (like when there's something potentially dangerous in front of them). Many new moms still have a lot on their minds and might not be able to process what's being said right away; they also might not know how they feel about certain topics until they've had time to think about them more fully
Never say "I'm craving those pregnancy ribs." Seriously, I never said this, but the mom I was talking to looked like she wanted to punch me in the face when I said "OMG pregnancy ribs would so hit the spot right now."
If you're craving anything, it's probably cookies. And a bag of grapes.
It's okay to talk about cravings, but try not to bring up specific foods—like those pregnancy ribs you were craving earlier today. That just sounds gross and kind of weird, honestly!
You can ask someone if they are feeling any food cravings or if they want anything from the grocery store as a way of being helpful without making them feel like you're judging their body or diet choices. But even better than asking them directly: just don't talk about your own cravings unless they bring it up first! The last thing anyone needs is another person telling them what they need when they have their hands full with life's daily stresses (and diaper changes).
Never say "Oh...my...God...you're huge!" or anything along those lines.
To be clear, this is not a slam on your friend. You know she's going through a lot, so don't make her feel bad—it's just that you don't want anyone thinking you're saying these things because she looks like she gained so much weight or needs help paying for the hospital bills.
Don't mention weight at all. It can come across as insensitive and unnecessary information.
Don't mention money unless you intend to give them some (and even then, tread carefully). If they ask how much it costs, give them an estimate and leave it at that.
Don't say anything along these lines: "Oh my God! You look like someone else now." It might seem like an innocent statement, but every new mother hears it all the time; eventually it becomes meaningless fluff in her ears.
Never mention anything about them not looking like their baby's mother, because sometimes that's just totally offensive.
Never mention anything about them not looking like their baby's mother, because sometimes that's just totally offensive.
Don't tell her that she doesn't look like the amazing and beautiful person she was before giving birth. She'll thank you for doing so when she's out running errands with her little one strapped to her chest and gets stopped by a stranger who says "What gorgeous kids!" or "How old are they?" instead of "Did you gain weight?"
You don't know how much money it cost her to breastfeed all those months, so don't ask if she got a new designer handbag with all the formula money.
Don't be a jerk, don't mention weight and don't ask about money unless you intend to give them some!
Don't be a jerk. If you want to make your new mom feel better about herself or the baby, don't make fun of either of them.
In fact, don't say anything at all!
Don’t mention weight. A woman who has just given birth is not going to want to hear how much she weights or looks different from before she was pregnant (unless she thinks she looks great). She may already be feeling insecure about her body and this will only add stress for her.
Don’t ask about money unless you intend to give them some! This goes along with being sensitive to the social situation that new moms are in after giving birth: they have no time for financial matters right now because they have too much else on their plate (like changing diapers). So don’t bring it up unless they offer first!
Conclusion
You might be a little nervous about what to say to a new mom, but if you keep these tips in mind and just stay positive, then you're sure to have a great time. And remember, don’t be afraid to ask questions! Even though we all think we know everything there is about parenting, there is always something new that we can learn from each other. So go ahead: ask away!
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